Part Seven.

It amazes me sometimes that I’ve lived 79days of my life without my mother. That 79days have passed me by that I’ve not physically seen her smile or heard her voice in person.. I often wonder, why? Why did she have to go so soon.

If I’m honest the majority of those days I’ve lived in disbelief, or maybe the fact she isn’t with us any longer still isn’t a reality..

I guess I expected myself to be worse initially, but maybe I was more numb to this loss than I thought I would’ve been. However frequent reminders occur often.. sometimes too often.

It’s ironic really because although people say time is a healer, I have found with time it’s started to become a little more difficult.

Time recently has put emphasis on all of the things my mams missing out on, the wonderful things that are happening to me that she hasn’t been able to be present for.

The people or should I say the person that she will never meet yet she waited so long for me to find.

Let’s just say I‘ve cried more in the last two weeks, over things that seem silly when you say them aloud than I ever have before.

& there’s no real explanation as to why the last 14 or more days have been harder than the others, they are just hard because I’m grieving & I don’t have a mam any more.

If someone last year had told me I would be crying over my dad picking cushions for the house, or the fact there would be no cling film left to wrap something in because mam usually would’ve bought both .. I would’ve said don’t be daft.

It’ baffles me that the other day I was approached in the nail salon because of my blog..

I can’t walk through town or Tesco any more without hearing the words “Im sorry , or how are you?” & I can’t brush my teeth without the thought of my mother brushing hers entering my head before work or bed every day & night. Yes!! Brushing my teeth makes me cry, I mean how weird is that?!

Not that I will ever want to forget anything, nor will I be able to forget, but there are distractions that have got me through the last 79days & I’m sure there will be more distractions to help me tolerate, yes tolerate, the pain I feel or have felt every day since she’s been gone.

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Without disclosing to much personal information, the days leading up to my mothers passing where not blatantly obvious to us that we had days, or in-fact hours left with her.

A rollercoaster of emotions is about as good as I can describe it because there would be a number of moments of sheer panic, moments of tranquility, moments of laughter but most importantly there was always love.

As a family we spent four days at her bedside, where even a 30 second dash to the toilet across the landing felt like 30 long minutes. I remember frantically wanting to pee faster & rushing to get back to hold her hand, not to miss a precious second.

For days we covered every inch of mams bedside & bedroom floor, we held her hand or stroked her head until we got pins & needles or cramp.

We all slept with our eyes open, in-fact we hardly slept at all for numerous reasons. All of these things just small prices to pay to bring her comfort at that time.

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Everyone says it about family members, but nobody will ever understand the commendable strength my mother demonstrated in her final days.

She was made of steel, often we felt like we were begging her not to hold on much longer as the pain just seemed too excruciating for her to bare, but day by day she soldiered on.

I honestly have no idea how, but the nurses kept saying it’s because shes “young at heart” Yes, she was.

58 years young & so full of life before it was taken away too quickly.

She passed away December 13th, surrounded by her husband, two daughters, dog & sisters. Fortunately we were all together & than offered us all a great comfort.

My mind is a pretty strong place (apart from when it’s telling me it needs cake or chocolate 🤣) & I have been able to park the darker parts of mams passing into a place of my mind that I don’t like to revisit.

As a family we experienced things no one should ever have had to see or be apart of in their lifetime. Never mind in their own home or with their mother. Regardless, we survived it & we are here to tell my mothers tale, whereas she is not.

The days after death are odd, infact instantaneously after death you are burdened with responsibility and decision.

Decisions that have no consideration for the massive gaping hole that has just appeared in your life and heart.

This is no disrespect to Francesca but being the elder sibling I guess I just automatically became the person to lead with one foot forward.

Its not that I want credit for it, it’s just to highlight how quickly you have to get wheels in motion whilst processing a life changing event.

We had a little bit of difficulty with mams death certificate, due to a change in regulations mams death was unable to be registered/have a certificate administered on the same day as her passing. This was because she had not seen a GP in her practice up to four weeks prior.. Frustrating.

Any how, around 24hours later I was able to collect the death certificates for Dad & I to then meet with the funeral directors to begin planning Mams funeral.

Yes, it all happened that quick, we really had hardly anytime to process anything. However I was really conscious that we didn’t want to go into the new year with a funeral hanging over us, so we decided it needed to be as soon as possible.

I think my dad found the decision making about the funeral tough but we were able to get through it. We did it together & thankfully everything they did for us was perfect , exactly like we had asked .. in-fact better.

Before the funeral, Christmas came & went.

A big blur to be quite frank apart from one really kind & unforgettable gesture from my sister.

Christmas 2021, the first time in years my sister & her boyfriend had both been with us for Christmas dinner.

Which looking back makes me sad because Mam would’ve loved that.

We tried to keep it as normal as possible, I laid the table with mams decorations , all be it not the same as how she would’ve done it but I tried.

We even made a place for mam & put her photograph there with a lit candle.. I’ll admit it didn’t feel the same.

Close friends and family raised toasts that day, as did we but no drink could soothe the pain of our broken hearts.

We opened our presents whilst dad cooked the roast & at the end Francesca gave me an extra present. The most thoughtful, irreplaceable gift I’ve ever been given.

It was soft, & when I opened it it was a bear. A bear named Chilo. Mams nickname for all three of her kids, Me , Max our dog & Francesca.

He had mams date of birth & also her special voice. When you press his paw he says, “Hi Stef, love and cherish this baby bear always & think of me. Merry Christmas lots of love Mam”

A dark Christmas became a whole lot brighter because of that. ✨

The days that are the extra difficult ones I cwtch him in close, sometimes I press his hand just to see Max’s ears prick up. But I don’t press it to often as I’m frightened the batteries will run out & I won’t get to hear it ever again.

Hearing mams voice just gives me goosebumps, it fills my eyes & my heart with a feeling I can’t explain. It brings me comfort but pain at the same time it’s so difficult to describe. But it makes me happy none the less..

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After Christmas the days always merge into one but for us it went into a lull.. What‘s usually a happy time for most wasn’t particularly the happiest for us, but we saw friends & continued to plan what we needed to for the funeral.

The lead up to mams day of rest was grim. There was a very dark cloud of worry hanging over us as there were rumours that Covid19 restrictions were due to be put in place for Boxing Day.

And as if by magic, the rules and restrictions for hospitality & funerals changed In Wales.

As a result of this changes we were limited on numbers of how many could actually attend the funeral service.

A reduction from 60 to 30 inside the crematorium & tables of 6 with table service at the wake.. The news broke my heart.

I worried myself something rotten that nobody would attended Or give my mother the service she deserved & I also had the pain staking task of inviting / uninviting people to the service.

It was like organising a wedding but without the joyful bit attached with it.

Still to this day I have no idea how many people where there or who in-fact attended mams service. All I know is that the crowds of people that turned up, the cars that lined the road, the people who all stood outside in the rain to watch the service or the people that turned up to the rugby club to watch the live stream, not forgetting those of you who streamed from home.

You brought us so much comfort. We can’t thank you enough for paying your respects.

My mother was an absolutely outstanding human being, she smiled often, she had a wonderful infectious, in-fact contagious personality, more contagious I would say than bloody coronavirus & that side of her was reflected on the day through the sheer mass of people. Restrictions meant nothing when my mam meant everything to those on that day.

The outpouring of people just emphasised the impact she had on people around her & I know that without restrictions in place there would’ve been more. Irregardless of it all I was able to stand up, speak from my heart & share my mothers love with everyone there & I think I did her proud.

I sometimes have to remind myself of the last two paragraphs from my Eulogy.. because they are true & I don’t really know what the purpose of todays blog was, I just felt like writing & this is how I want to close this chapter..

So here it is..

“Any trip we take, mistake we make or life milestone we reach you will always be with us.

Although our hearts are shattered completely, they are not falling apart because your the glue that’s keeping them together.

Mam if love could’ve saved you we wouldn’t be here, but your love will keep us going. Until the stars no longer shine you will always be mine , as I , well we, are yours.

We will never be just be somebodies daughters.

We will proudly be Stefanie & Francesca Tracy Walls daughters .

Tracy Wall the impeccably beautiful, resilient courageous, fun loving & empowering woman.

Mine & Francescas outstanding mother - We are so very proud of who you are.”

I am so proud. I’m so proud that every day for 79 days I’ve tried my best to get on with my life as my mam would’ve wanted me too.

I went back to work in January, I’ve booked trips, finally got back to having nights out with my friends & I’m proud I’m making an effort to be happy again.

The same as I am so proud of Francesca for going back to Manchester, finding a job & starting to plan her wedding. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t take a lot of strength from us both, but strength is something our mother instilled in us & we are so very grateful for it too.

Just like I’m grateful for the ongoing support I get from this blog, and just people on a day to day basis in general.

People are so very kind, & I need to remember to be kinder to myself too.

I’m grieving, & there’s different stages of grief that hit at different times, & that’s ok.

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