Part Fifteen - To Those Who Have Lost.

Since it March means Mother’s Day I felt I would’ve been doing an injustice not posting this one. 

This year will be my second Mother’s Day without my Mam.

That time last year I struggled significantly with my mothers loss. In fact any time there is a celebration , or in the event in the calendar my loss feels greater than it usually does.

In fact I was actually writing this early hours of Christmas eve morning 2022.

I was trying to surpass the thoughts of my first Christmas alone without my family around me & my second Christmas without mam.

I think I'd built an expectation up in my head for it to be terrible, when in fact it was actually a Chirstmas my mother would've loved for me.

& it made me think that sometimes we focus too much on the sadness of loss we don't spend as much time as we should picking out the amazing influence that person had on us because it gets overshadowed by the sadness.

 So here it is, this one is dedicated  to anyone who has lost someone & unfortunately most of you reading this may have.. I hope that this extract can help you change your perspective some how & help you through the tougher days.

Hey, 👋

if you’re reading this, please forgive me for not saying I’m sorry for your loss because sometimes I know sorry just doesn’t cut it. 

We all know It’s a fact of life that we all have to experience a loss & it’s been said 1000x before that No two losses are ever the same. 

No two illnesses either.

Although one persons disease could be the same as the others, yet both so different in so many ways. 

The point I’m trying to make is that although the outcome is loss, it cannot be compared. 

The way we feel or have felt can differ from one person to the next , one day to the next or even one year but ultimately we’re still in the same position. 

We are still without that person we loved.

The person we shared a personal bond with, the same person that was loved by you me or your auntie. Yet the love was different.

The relationship was different but that makes it all the more special.

Isn’t it amazing that two people can love the same person ? 

Yet each one could see an Individual trait or characteristic that someone else may not see. That for me is why love is greater than loss.. 

No two hearts are the same shape or size yet, they do the same job. They hold different amounts of hurt and a whole lot of love. Each heart can carry grief differently , but they still keep on working. 

The heart keeps beating even when its shape has changed , even when it’s cracked right down the middle the beat still goes on..

From personal experience I know that no two people grieve the same, my outlet for grief is talking about it. Sharing words with people like you.. 

I’m fortunate enough that I can articulate my grief by putting words down to express it, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t get scared of what people think, how people see the way that grieve & think that's not right? Because I do.

 This avenue for me is soothing, being able to write & have you read is a coping mechanism & I guess I just want to show that although my grief is so strong & at the forefront of my mind most days.. the love I feel in my heart for my mother is far greater than the grief but talking & sharing experiences certainly helps. 

The love I know she had for me , my dad & my sister has to be the reason our hearts still beat today. & hopefully by sharing this blog with you all I can  help someone else too ..

I actually wrote this to somebody going through a loss at Christmas time & I wanted to leave it here as a touch point.

When I shared the following message, it was specific to someone who had just lost a grandparent but it can clearly applied to anyone who has touched our lives and taught us lessons ..

 “A grandparent teaches us lessons and love that stay with us forever. Lessons and love that we teach our own children whenever we are lucky enough to have them. Lessons and love that they then teach their own children who become our grandchildren. Which ultimately means that our grandparents never leave. They Truly live forever.”

I said that speaking not only from my heart but as a fact.

To me that statement is factually true, when my nan passed away almost 5 years ago now, I wrote an extract and spoke it at the funeral. Which someone actually quoted back to me in November & I couldn’t believe they remembered it. 

Apologies for the incoming TMI .. but it was in fact my nan who taught me to guide on a swing as well as also teaching me how to tooty down in a bush for a wee whilst at the park. (LOL) 

As a group of grandkids we all took in turns on the swings & inevitably we all took in turns at one point in time in being the grandchild who was desperate for a wee when the house was a few miles away..  It makes me giggle now that that is one of the life hacks she taught me that I still remember, but she also taught us all so much more than that.

As an adult I now have appreciation for the other things she did.

How she taught us all to share, & take turns.

Examples being , making a Mars bar go three or more ways depending on how many of us were sleeping over. By making us sit in a row & take turns in practicing hairstyles on eachother.. the list is endless.

She also tought us all how to use our imaginations, by telling us bed time stories or encouraging us to go & play up the mountain & make dens, on the condition that we came back before it was dark. (Valid life lessons I’m sure you’d agree.) 

Small things like that, taught to you by someone who loved and cared for you never go away. No matter how old you were at the time you never forget it. 

I know your all sat there now reading this & reeling off a list of things in your head that are pinnacle points in your child hood or adult hood that someone special taught you that you’ll never forget. 

The same things you then showed somebody else , who showed somebody else & it goes on and on and on.. 

From my loss or losses I gained a whole lot of perspective & I can categorically say none of my bouts of grief even compare to the other.

I, as a person was vastly different from one loss as I have been to the other. . But that’s ok. 

It Doesn’t mean that I or you loved that person any less or that you hurt any less in the process. It’s just that you’ve learned to process and deal with things differently.

I watched my own mother grieve my nan from the same illness we lost her too & it only sunk in to me the other day how she must’ve felt, the responsibilities she had & how she dealt with the pain.

Maybe the way that I do now at times, but she honestly never really showed it.

The lessons of strength & kindness I learned from my mam will hopefully never leave me.

I actually think my mother was also good with words. She had the gift of always writing cards to friends & family’s when they needed a little pick me up & I guess I probably didn’t always see it then, but on reflection I see it now.

She always knew how to mark an occasion, offer support & that’s taught me to to be more like Tracy. 

Kindness & Love are two of the most magnificent things in the world.

Being loved and loved in return is one of life’s greatest pleasures. It brings a level of security and hope that one cannot measure. (I know

my best friends reading that & thinking she wrote that for my wedding speech, lol yes I’m quoting my own work don’t @ me.)

But it’s true. No matter how much grief hurts & it hurts a fucking lot .. love is greater.

Love always wins. 

The love you felt for your special person will never go away, the little beats of your heart still flutter back and forth second after second & they still beat just as hard for that person as they did when they were with you , maybe even harder now that you miss them a whole lot more.

But before I bore you all to tears, to anyone that has ever loved or lost think about something they taught you & keep that memory close.

Share that lesson & that love with the other people you love the most .. one footstep here a heart felt word there a little life lesson anywhere & I promise you , even though you don’t know it now & neither does that special someone but in years to come that lesson or piece of love may have been the greatest most memorable thing you ever gave to them ..

The most inexpensive , yet most valuable thing you could have ever done or given .. & all it is , is LOVE.

Happy Mother’s Day for Sunday Mam. Not a day In My life will go by where I won't think of you, the love you showed or what you taught me.

We will never stop celebrating who you are & what you mean to us.

Love from your biggest baby girl ❤️