Part Thirteen.

I feel like maybe I’ve made more comebacks than Take That with this blog, but the last few months have been so full on and busy that I’ve not had much of the space I need to sit down , think & write.

Dubai life is fabulous but it’s also crazy and massively consuming at times. City life is fast paced & I need to slow down for the marathon & stop sprinting.

Other than the week in May when I first moved here, I don’t think any of the other weeks have been harder than this one.

For about three days straight sadness has had me in a choke hold and for a couple of days I really didn’t think I could tap out.

Last week I was on a roll with being back in the gym , reading books & felt really content with myself after an amazing week in Italy with my best friends. .

Which kinda shocks me why I feel so low this week.

But I would be lying if I didn’t say that even with all of them around me I still felt sad, sometimes overwhelmed.

I think that’s the grief, because no matter where I am, who I’m with sometimes the grief creeps up on me just to tap me on the shoulder and unkindly remind me that it’s still there.

Not that I could ever forget it.. But yeah. I hate grief for that.

I hate that grief adds sadness to social situations.

I hate that grief steals the hours that I should be sound asleep for.

I hate that I have to grieve at all.

And truthfully I hate every single thing about not having my mam around any more. It really is the worst feeling in the world.

Since I last wrote a lot has changed, the job I moved out here to do I am currently handing over too a new starter & I’m in the process of starting another new role.

Maybe this is why I feel so overwhelmed, it would make sense.

But I can’t shift the want or the need to talk to her or tell her how amazing Hannah’s wedding was.

I can’t shift the want or the need to just hear her laugh or for her to call me babes.

I can’t shift the need or want to not sell our family home. But I’ll get to that in a second ..

Actually, seeing our family home go up for sale cut like a knife.

I can’t even deny how awful it was to see the place you thought would always be yours go up for sale.

I think the saddest thing for me is knowing that one day if I ever decide to come back, that I won’t be coming back to the only place that ever made me feel safe.

The only place that holds the love and the memories of mam both good & bad.

The only place that will ever truly feel like Home.

Home can be defined as a number of things but my mam and NO5 was the safest haven I’ve ever had. I miss home sometimes but not as much as I miss her.

I’ve experienced grief before, but it hit me differently. It left me with no appetite, weight loss, panic attacks and all sorts .. but this grief just hits different.

I can’t put my finger on how , what or why.

It just is & it’s probably the hardest thing to try and understand.

Today I’ve tried to find joy in the little things, like going to the beach this morning, meeting a lovely friend for a catch up yet still afterwards I feel sad.

I really do love being in Dubai , I just wish my mood reiterated that. Subconsciously I think I’m dreading the next few weeks..

It’s creeping up to the one year since the start of what turned out to be a very turbulent & uncertain time of my life & now nearly a year later my life is a whole lot different. Some for better but mostly for worse.

I had no idea I was capable of achieving what I have in the last 12 months.

But I also had no idea that life was capable of stealing the one thing that brought me the most joy.

I wish I could re-live the best & the funniest times with her again, because reading her humour through my phone isn’t as funny as hearing it aloud.

I would give my last Dirham just to read one more witty Facebook reply.

One more nickname for Max and one more moment to just freeze time. I would hold her in my arms & never let her go.

But instead I’ll save my Dirhams and also spend them .. on making a better life for myself. One that she would’ve loved to have seen & shared with me.

& hopefully one day soon.. Well soon-ish , the joy will creep back in again & stay for a little while longer this time.. here’s to hoping. 💫 🤍