Part Fourteen - One Year Later.

Some would say Unlucky for some 13.. & for me that feels like the truth.

In two days it's December 13th , a year to the date we lost my mother. A day that felt like the unluckiest day of my life, a day that lead to spending everyday afterward a slave to the heartache of missing her.

There's things during the last few days of my mothers life that I will never be comfortable to speak allowed , things our eyes have seen that we should never have had to see in a life time & pain our heart has felt over the last year that I hope no body ever has to feel because it's enough to shatter you into a million pieces.. but yet we still stand. I still live a life I could've only dreamed of last year & where I am now is worlds apart from where I thought I'd ever be..

In all of the good or the bad times in this past year, the only person I’ve wanted to share it all with is her. I get older everyday , but no matter how old I get, the need for her being there never gets less. Infact it only increases..

Sometimes I walk in her shoes, I mean literally I copped her balenciaga runners & I wear them, they mould to my feet like her hearts bonded to mine & for a little while whilst I wear them I see how it felt to walk how she did.

But the reality is that nobody had to tread through mud like she did, yet somehow she always did it with a smile. 

Somehow over the last 365 days I've found the strength to wake up & get through every single one.. but I think I've managed it by mastering mams craft. The craft of smiling through the pain and the sadness.

This has quite possibly been the hardest year of my life & I thought last year was hard to beat. Around 6weeks ago I finally slowed down.. I finally let my self stop, I had too.

My body felt like it was caving in on me. It was screaming at me to stop & when I finally listened it talked back. I was the saddest I had ever felt & it showed, it showed in the way I spoke, the way I was acting & it played on me nearly every minute of everyday.

Heartache has a funny way of hurting, the pain I've felt for 365 days is inexplainable. The pain that crept up on me the second she left, I don't think will ever go. The shape of my heart completely changed and so did I.

In the second my mam left not only did I loose my mother, but I lost myself too. & only recently the old me is starting to make her way back.

Some days I’m good, some days I’m distracted and other days , well they feel empty. They are filled with nothingness. It's silent but so so LOUD.

The nothingness leaves a sick pitted feeling in my stomach , it leaves me speechless & wanting to be alone. It's a pain that is only shown from the inside out with tears.

If the amount of tears I’ve cried or the pain in my heart could bring her back it would’ve 100 times over & there's nothing more in my life I could want than to bring her back.

I'm not usually one for second chances but I wish we had that second chance, if only it was possible..

For all of the Dreams I'm chasing there's only one I'd chose.. Lewis Capaldi said that in his new song Pointless. (Listen if you've not already, it's a tear jerker) but that line hits differnt.

Nearly 365 days ago a void was created for everyone that new my mother & I know I'm not the only person that feels the way that I do.

I'll say it again but in the moment that she left my life as I knew it changed forever.. all of our lives did.

That void will never be filled, there are so many things as a family we where yet to do, so many milestones we were meant to reach, so many things she was meant to become.. in 5 days I'm 29 and in 370 days I'm 30.

We would've hit the big 60 & the big 30 together. It's hard not to dwell on that and dread where the next year takes me, the next year without her.

As each day passes the more opportunities are missed , more milestones are reached but the void grows bigger.

The happiest days of our lives are sometimes filled with sadness, because that aching for wanting her there it doesn't go.

The aching with every beat of my heart doesn't lessen it gets worse, but we smile anyway. We carry on , we try everyday to make each & every day count for us & for her. 

I still talk about her every day, I look at her pictures often.. I have hundreds of memories on my phone & now around my flat.

I miss the way everything she said made me laugh, as laughing isn’t quite the same anymore. But we still laugh anyways..

I miss how effortlessly beautiful she was & how effortlessly dry her personality could be.

Every single trait she had was special & every single piece of her was precious & still is.

Everything she was, I hope that I can be someday & every little step forward is a step closer to her. 

She will always be the most special, the bravest & the most beautiful, charismatic person I have ever known. 

I Thank her every day for loving me like she did, giving me a sister to love a family home to flourish in & for showing me what true love really was. 

I can never settle for anything more than what she showed or gave to me, which was a heart full of love, a belly full of laughter & the strength to always persevere & provide for my family no matter what.

Nearly 365 days might have passed me by, but one thing each & every day has in common is that Ive spent most of them missing her, loving her & appreciating her & I know that will never really go away no matter where I am in the world.

Keep shining for us mam, I’m always looking for you even in the midst of the desert we see stars & you are most definitely the brightest 💫

 “Tisses for Mamma” Always.. Love you & miss you with every beat of my heart.

Your Nee Nee 🤍