Part Nine.

Twice in the space of a week Mam has rendered me breathe less & if I’m honest from the minute I received a text to say she was now home with us, I have a felt sick.

I think that feeling will likely last forever. I get it often , but not as prominently as it’s been over the last few days. My whole body feels heavy & I can’t shake it.

It’s hard to describe but when I look at the urn I don’t see my mother at all, which is great in a sense because that’s not how I will remember her it’s just an object to remind us that she’s gone & I guess I have to get used to that.

I remember my mother in so many ways, wherever I go I’m always reminded of her & it’s comforting.

I can’t go for a coffee or for breakfast without someone talking to me about her & how wonderful she was or people asking how are we doing. For some people that may not be comforting but for me it’s a chance to show case some pride I guess..

Pride in myself for coping as well as I am & thats not to be big headed but also pride in the fact that she was my mother & she touched so many peoples lives. Probably because of her job but mostly I believe because of her nature.

I think that’s the beauty of a small town sometimes…

I learn new things about my mother often, & it reminds me that we both have similar tendencies. Which to be honest brings me even more comfort but I’d be telling you all fibs if I didn’t admit that it does make me upset sometimes.

As usual I can’t type without crying, it’s usually when I get upset that I start putting pen to paper, well finger to keypad to be precise.

These emotions are my catalyst for writing & I guess I’m making a positive out of a negative & that’s amazing for me.

This weekend in particular has been extremely tough. I had no idea that bringing mam home would do this to me.

We asked for her ashes because both Francesca & I want matching tattoos before I move. Tattoos which will have mams ashes in them, this will mean we will both get to take her with us wherever we go.

Not that we wouldn’t have anyways because she’s always in our hearts and thoughts but physically she will be with us.

Little pieces of her love sewn into our skin to admire forever.

I will always admire my mam. I admire her bravery, and you all have no idea how brave she was. How even on her worst days she had the ability of making my eyes light up & my heart giggle so hard that you’d sometimes forget what was going on around us.

I hope that one day someone who I’m lucky enough to call my children will admire me the same way.

I also admire her beauty. Mam your beauty is just something else & even in your final hours your skin glowed, so soft to the touch and very few wrinkles in sight.

Francesca & I can take some credit for that as your daily skin care regime was one we kept up even when you couldn’t. Not to mention your beautiful blue eyes that close up when you smile & the way they compliment your dark hair.

Im sat here this evening on your bedroom steps, and all I can think of is you.

Our beautiful, gracious fun loving mother.. actually who am I kidding, Gracious?

You are probably the clumsiest person we know & you definitely passed that onto me. There wasn’t a glass in sight that you wouldn’t smash or tip over, or a step you’d not tripped up.. (Shock I tipped a whole pint of water over my lap in the anchor yesterday but it was only because I was embracing a hug after talking of you - Whoops.)

Anyways Back to my point.. I’m sat here this evening admiring you & all that you are.

The pain I feel is only because you loved me so hard & brought me up so well that anything I do will always be for you.

Your never far from a single thought, every time my heart beats, it double taps because the second beat is for missing you.

I wish my eyes didn’t fill up as much as they have this weekend & I wish you were still around , but rest assured that any decision I make or chance I take it’s because of you or what you taught me.

“Your life doesn’t get better by chance , it gets better by change.”

You changed my world & my whole outlook on life and you made me prouder than I could’ve ever imagined I could be. I can’t wait to return the favour.

I Missed you yesterday, I missed you today, I will miss you tomorrow & every single minute , second or year after that.

No words will ever be enough to explain how truly special you are to me, but I’ll keep trying to tell your story & I hope I’m doing it well 🤞🏼.