Part Twelve.

So todays 4th of June.. Which means that it’s one year to the date since my sister & her boyfriend got engaged.

( Or atleast it was when I started writing this but depending on when you‘re reading this it maybe a different date.) Any how, this also happens to be one year to the date since the physical signs of mams undiagnosed illness started to become visible.

Originally Dec wanted both my mother & I to fly out to Dubai & surpise my sister here for their engagement but that didnt go to plan. However, for me this makes having them two here with me right now even more speciaI.

It was 7:28am in Dubai when I started writing this & I’ve layed awake for hours mulling over that day & the evening before in my head.

The days started here with me waking up next too Francesca & Declan. Who are both sound asleep here in bed.. YES we had sleepover club last night after dinner & no matter how old we get, we will NEVER be old enough to not have a lickle cwtch.

I can’t stop thinking about what an amazing day & night we had in London last year, & how much mam enjoyed herself.

I also stop thinking about how we will find ourselves some Don Julio 1942 today to have a proper toast to the occasion & to Mam. (We thought it was pricy in London, Dubai prices for 1 shot are London x3 FYI, so you best believe that when I publish this I’ll be skint😀)

I’ll get back to the relevance of Don Julio shortly… (but FYI we ordered some At Nammos beach club & at the W & we toasted to mam each time. 🤍)

Having these two here on this date brings back a lot of memories & emotions.

I will apologise to my sister for the next part, as I know how much it will probably sting & it leaves a knot in my belly even typing it.

But for the purpose of being transparent, & for you all to know that during mams illness she would talk about their engagement as being like a wedding & how it was the best day of her life.

This cuts a little deeper when you know that this time next year she won’t be there in person on their actual wedding date.

For those of you who haven’t seen the video or the pictures of the proposal you’d understand why she said it was “the best day of her life” & like a wedding..

It was extravagant, it was so well planned & thought out. It was EXACTLY how any mother would wish for their daughter to be treated & more..

I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about it before now but Declan arranged for us to go to London to surprise Francesca.

The whole journey up to London Mam , Dad & I waited to here from Francesca in excitement.

When she eventually called us to say she was engaged we were sat in the hotel sports bar pretending like we had no idea.

We pretended that we were home, she really did have no idea we were in London too.

The next day, after a day in Windsor we turned up to their dinner reservations & it left my sister speechless. She couldn’t even smile she was still in shock 🤣.

I have such fond memories of being sat around the table and mam just fussing my sister, she was honestly so so proud. She didn’t once simmer down all evening, kept telling us how proud she was of “her girls” & I’ll be honest there is no greater achievement in life than being my mams girl.

All day & evening Mam powered through her pain & this is probably where the Don Julio kicked in.

We drunk shots until 4:30am. We smiled, laughed and celebrated their engagement all night long, it truly was an unforgettable evening.

I think a mothers love + the Don Julio helped her battle on that day, because as I said before this was the first day she had shrieked in pain.

Unbeknown to us, that was one of the first signs of the tumour in her leg making an appearance.

When I look back now, I notice signs in mams physical appearance that had changed, but at the time they weren’t apparent. She was always so beautiful to me & nothing could or will ever change that, but I realise now how much she struggled and often.

My sister , declan and I reminisce & talk about mam often.

I guess this is what makes Declan so special to me, he saw my mam for everything she truly was. Something that no other young man will ever have the privilege of doing.

Just like Francesca & I, Declan talks about mam with light in his eyes & he laughs.

Last night we all ripped into the little Asda Price juice cartons she used to buy. The teeny three pack with a straw that you’d take three sips of and they’d be gone. The ones you normally give to kids.

Yes they were Asda price, but she loved them. She would take one to work in her packed lunch, or as Declan recalls offer one to him after a coffee the first time he came to Sunday dinner. (Classic Tracy, down to earth more than she would ever recognise.)

Or as Francesca recalls, mam would hold one at her shoulder for Chesca to bend down and sip it whilst she was colouring mams hair during a busy saturday shift at the hairdressers. Mam always thought of everything.

She always had “one of them” in her bag, under the bed or somewhere upstairs. And that relates to anything, not just orange juice in particular as that would be weird to have one of them under the bed haha but she would always have a solution.

Since being here in Dubai I can’t explain to you how much I miss her.I think my phone knows. It’s really the only thing I let see that I miss her so much here.

I look at photographs most evenings & play videos of her over & over..

So much so that my iPhone has created two “memory” videos of her out of the blue, I guess I’m quite predictable 😅.

Looking at pictures from this date last year & all I see is love in mams eyes she was on cloud 9, she really was a champ that night but later on the Sunday afternoon we all had a little gathering with the rest of the family at my sisters house but mam couldn’t make it she was too unwell.

But as always we can’t dwell on those minor details..

June 4th 2021 , we had the most unforgettable night on the & today the three of us are going to a beach club & we WILL find a bottle of Don Julio for a shot even if we have to search the whole of Dubai.

This time next year we will be 6 days out from their wedding, where the two kids of the family become husband & wife.

It’s crazy sometimes I can’t believe I’m planning my little sisters hen & she’s actually getting married.

The pressures on for big sis to pull off the Hen & help plan the wedding all be it that’s a little harder out here with the time difference.

Talking of being in Dubai, I’ve been here nearly three weeks now, actually nearly four come Monday. It’s been a really quick few weeks..

There have been plenty of ups & downs since being here & I don’t think that’s going to change for a little while.

My life has changed drastically in the last year, and again in the last three week Ls so I guess I’m a custom to change.

This time last year I would wake up in my mam & dads four bedroom house with all of my family there.. Now this year I wake up in a one bed studio apartment & mams not there for me to call at all. I can’t tell you how that feels sometimes.. it’s just empty.

Dubai is mesmerising, there are so many things here that make this life so far away from being at home but for all the right reasons.

Driving through the roads at night admiring the sky scrapers, even driving at all out here is an experience in itself.

Automatic Cars, the other side of the road , 6 lanes & CRAZY drivers. I can’t say any more than it’s an EXPERIENCE because if you know , you know.

& here I am doing all of this In a 4litre Dodge Jeep that ive been kindly lent by a colleague. Madness.

I’m so grateful to my new work friend here, she’s given me some freedom in a somewhat isolated world.

Having a car has given me

1) the advantage of not spending a fortune on taxis

2) the ability to go wherever I want whenever I want. Which is a small comfort & familiarity that I would usually have back home.

Last Friday I drove to have my medical which is just one small step In the process of getting your Emirates ID to live here in Dubai.

Whilst I sat in the chair I looked down at my tattoo. Usually when giving blood they use my left arm, that day she used my right.

For some reason my mind went straight back to mam, she was used to having lots of bloods & IV’s during her illness. Bless her heart, every one of them had to go all in one particular arm.

This was a result of the first time she had breast cancer she had all of her lymph nodes removed which meant that her veins were not necessarily that good on her one side compared to the other.

I get little reminders like that about mam a lot.

Wednesday I was sat in work, listening to “Todays hits” on Apple Music & the new

Paulo Nutini song played to me for the first time. It’s called through the echos.

It reduced me too tears at my desk.

There’s a couple of lines in it but these stood out slightly more :

“Listen to me through the echos , Through the echos Through the echos Straight to you”

It’s probably a repetitive statement from me but everything I do, I listen to how my heart feels.

I listen for the echo of my mam & what she would’ve reacted like.

What she would’ve said to me & it brings me straight back to her every time.

Often when I feel like crying, just like Paulo said in the song (listen to it if you can), I smile over & over again.

All be it this time I’m typing this crying, but I think it just reiterates through the echos in my head & in my heart how much of an impact mam has had on me.

Also how much of an impact she will have on me, my decision making & my thought processes through the rest of my life.

Sometimes in life you wake up & you feel different & it’s unexplainable.

Sometimes in life you wake up and your life is different but you had no control over it.

Sometimes in life both what you feel and what you do are both your responsibility & you need to take ownership from it. I have learned that a lot lately.

I am still healing, parts of me are still a little bit broken. Some may never be fixed.

However I know that Dubai for me is a chance to grow & I have definitely started doing that already.

Before I wake the kids up as they’ve snoozed for the last 23 minutes, it’s now 8:23am and we are wasting prime gym, getting ready & drinking time I wanted to share the below. .

If its anything I have personally learned in the last year it’s that we only regret the chances we didn’t take.

We only regret the mistakes we make at a certain time before we heal & learn from them.

We will only regret and dwell on the words we didn’t say if we don‘t say them when we feel like saying them.

Interpret the above however you wish, but my advice to you is move abroad if you have the burning desire too.

Live & love hard and try to be in the moment - all be it something I’m not very good at doing.

Tell your family, your friends & your loved ones how much you love them, be honest when somethings not feeling right & always always be true to yourself.

Too wrap this one up I’m going to leave on a slightly different note to normal, & give you a couple of things people don’t tell you about Dubai..

1) Petrol is cheaper here than strawberries.

2) You need to divide everything by 5. (I’m not great a quick maths, hence the struggle is real)

3) You can smoke inside bars here, my mother would’ve hated that.

4) People always address you as “Ma’am”

5) Face wipes also cost about £7. I miss home bargains 😀

6) Life can be Lonley here but you have to put yourself out there to make friends as everyone has been in your position at some point in their journey.

7) Your family back home will never get used to the 3 hour time differ & still try to call you at all hours of the night when your sleeping & wonder why you don’t answer 👍🏼 🤣

P.S the kids snoozed until 9am ..

I felt like a child that woke up on Christmas morning who got told to go back to bed 9 times before opening their presents, as I was just so excited to get out for the day (What a day it was too 🥰.)

P.s.s My sister sometimes snores even though she says she doesn’t pass it on 😀.