Part Four.

October 19th was a poignant day for my sister, Mam & I. A day where my mother got to watch her beautiful, youngest baby doll try on wedding dresses.

We had missed an appointment a few weeks prior due to a spell of ill health, which had left mam unable to leave the house or bed for a couple of weeks. After chatting with my friend Hannah, she encouraged me to reach out to a store.

She suggested that I try my luck with giving Francesca the opportunity she would never have again & somehow I wangled a home visit from the wonderful ladies at OneBridal Cardiff. This was the first time they had ever done this, which made it all the more overwhelming & special.

They came armed with a variety of the most gorgeous dresses & accessories. Accompanied with all of the added extras to ensure we had the “OneBridal” shop experience, but from the comfort of Francescas home.

As all mothers are at first, mam was skeptical that we were rushing into things. She was insistent that Chesca shouldn’t just try on dresses for the sake of it. Why is it that mams have to have their five pence worth before hand? 😅

Granted, she soon changed her mind about this.

Mam was never really one for a big fuss for occasions, she would always buy nice cards & write lovely messages but she did love re-gifting a gift bag & would say why do you want a birthday cake for? You’ll waste it. (Somewhat true, however who doesn't love cake?)

Any how.. I really wanted to go all out for this experience. I wanted, well needed those picture perfect moments for our future. So I proceeded to set the scene for the day, we had balloons, an M&S afternoon tea, instant photographs, laughs and also tears, Declan‘s mam also joined us for the occasion.

If I’m honest what a bittersweet memory we made that day. I remember my eyes filling up watching mam look at Francesca .. She boasted about how gorgeous she was. “You are a princess. Oh how fab!! Oh I love them all, I can’t decide.” “What do you think Stef?”

It was funny because the dresses we thought would’ve looked the worst, were surprisingly the most flattering & this shocked mam. You could just see her blue eyes light up, determined to power through what was probably a really difficult day for her both physically & emotionally.

Its only looking back in hindsight do I realise that the sweetest, most precious moments for us were probably the most difficult emotionally for mam. I mean, put yourself in her shoes … or should I say slippers.

Could you imagine being dressed up in a beautiful pink frock, sat in your daughters living room whilst she’s trying on dresses,

all whilst consciously knowing that you will in fact, not be there at her wedding in person. It’s truly unthinkable isn’t it?

Emotionally, I have no idea what that did to mam, because she would never have said. But if I’m brutally honest, at the time I never even considered it.

I was always thinking of Francesca at this point. I just wanted so badly for her to have a special memory of mam to cherish for the build up to the biggest, most significant day of her life. But I guess now that day has already happened.

In fact we’ve had a number of significant, big, but painful days of our lives already.. Loosing Mam being one, & cremating her being another.

It’s a funny thing to accept but this next year is a year of firsts.. infact every day there’s something we all do that we haven’t done since mams been gone.

Little things, insignificant to others will continue to happen for us for a long time, in fact sadly they will happen, forever..

However, it goes without saying that WHATEVER it would’ve cost me to get those dresses there that day I would’ve paid it, because ultimately it was a priceless memory we can never & will never put a value on.

In the same respects, the pain of knowing mam will never become the mother of the bride also holds no value. Pain that deep really is too indescribeable for anyone to understand, let alone categorise with a monetary value.

Although I must stop there, as we have no room for negatives here during this chapter, we must always try to look at things with light.

Usually during this time in October our family find the days really tough, it was roughly 3 years to the date where we had lost my nan.

My mams precious mother. Who had unfortunately also lost her battle to breast cancer. I recall feeling that this was the first time in years I had not found these dates so hard as they had now been clouded with small glimmers of happiness with little waves of sadness all fuelled by adrenaline.

I have learnt now the importance of not fixating on negative dates, or the firsts & to grasp hold of the opportunties to make beautiful memories with both hands.

Even if there is a deep rooted pain attached with them, because more often than not you don’t get a second chance at making a beautiful memory with your eyes & mind twice as no two moments are ever the same.

On the 19th of October, we made the impossible, possible & had a once in a life time experience to cherish for the rest of our days.

The same way we still cherish our mother even though she’s no longer with us.

To Francesca, my beautiful little sister.

If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, but the best promotion I ever had in life was being promoted to your big sister. Mammy gave me the honour of being able to watch out for you for as long as physically possible, whilst she’s continuing to watch over you from the sky.

Although the road to you becoming Mrs John may seem a little less smooth than you originally had hoped, Mammy will be there to guide you down the aisle.

She will ensure you light up the room & I’m almost certain she will help you pick out your dress, there will be signs.

What’s mine is yours & yours is mine for as long as I am your sister you will always have a best friend & mother figure - that’s my promise to you.

Our Way is Mams way & it was mams way or No way & that means we do exactly as we would’ve done to celebrate you becoming a John & ensure mam comes along with us too.

I have no doubt that you will be the most beautiful bride, after all you are mammy’s little beauty queen.

She idolised both you & Declan and she was so very happy to know you were due to spend a lifetime together.

If M&S did special memories or mothers.. Mammy would’ve been my first pick from the shelf every-time.